I'm jealous of the people of Battle Mountain.
There they are, living in the town proclaimed by the Washington Post to be the "Armpit of America," when the rest of us have to live in towns that haven't been proclaimed by the Washington Post to be Anything of America.
I've put in a bid for Carson City to be declared the "Capital City for the Armpit of America," but I haven't heard anything back from the Post yet.
From what I've heard, the foks who live in Battle Mountain didn't take kindly to the Washington Post Magazine article by Gene Weingarten. (If you haven't read the article, go to www.washingtonpost.com. It's very long, and you have to read all the way through before you can have an opinion of it.)
For example, Lander County District Attorney Hy Forgeron, in an open letter to the Post, pointed out that he prefers Battle Mountain to Washington, D.C.
"The armpit of America, or perhaps a lower bodily orifice, is in your lap, so to speak," he wrote.
Even Sen. Harry Reid weighed in, calling the article "spiteful."
And those are the comments printable in a family newspaper.
But some people in Battle Mountain saw an opportunity. When you're called an armpit, maybe you should raise your hand.
Maybe there can be a deal with an anti-perspirant manufacturer, they suggested. Or, like when Life magazine called Highway 50 the loneliest highway in America, they could parlay "The Armpit of America" into a nationwide publicity campaign, someone else said.
Frankly, I think Battle Mountain should declare a Gene Weingarten Day (Dec. 2, the day the article was published) and invite him to town.
Then, Battle Mountain would defend its title of "Armpit of America" annually against all comers. Weingarten would be the judge, and people could nominate the places they think are hairier than Battle Mountain.
If some place beats out Battle Mountain, in Weingarten's judgment, that town's mayor would be flown to Battle Mountain the next year for the annual competition. (Assuming the mayor couldn't just drive there from, say, Rock Springs, Wyo.)
But Battle Mountain would always remain the original armpit.
For Gene Weingarten Day, there could be Armpit Games, and Armpit Races, and an Armpit Parade. The intersection of I-80 and Highway 305 would become Armpit Junction.
They could have armpit-shaving competitions, invite professional armpit-sniffers to be grand marshals of the parade, and hold armpit-musician competitions in the newly erected Arid Extra-Dry Convention Center.
Battle Mountain: "Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman."
That's the Nevada I know. Don't get mad. Make a profit.
True, Armpit of America doesn't quite have the same ring as "Extraterrestrial Highway," or "Sin City."
But keep in mind that the people who were trying to get to the promised land back in 1839 weren't thinking tourism when they named a particularly memorable stretch of their journey "Death Valley." And it turned out OK, right?
In fact, places like Beatty now advertise themselves as the Gateway to Death Valley. So Battle Mountain's good fortune could be spread around, as Beowawe and Golconda start billing themselves as Gateways to the Armpit.
Down the road in Austin, though, don't expect townsfolk to be feeling much sympathy for Battle Mountain.
For one thing, they've been living with the whole "Loneliest Highway" thing for awhile now, and they came to embrace it.
Austinites also aren't shedding any tears that some out-of-town reporter dropped into Battle Mountain and wrote unflattering words.
After all, it was just last month that the Battle Mountain Bugle -- the "voice of Lander County" -- came to Austin and wrote some pretty catty things about downtown in an article titled "Austin's appearance detracts from economic revitalization efforts."
It even had a picture of some Austin weeds.
One of the article's quotes from an economic development expert had to do with wooden plaques on Austin's buildings, which carry numbers keyed to an informational brochure.
"The normal tourist probably thought it was an auction number, or the schedule on which they're going to demolish the buildings," he said.
Oh, man.
I don't recall Gene Weingarten suggesting in the Washington Post that Battle Mountain was ready for the scrap heap. He might have, but I don't think so.
Anyway, if Battle Mountain doesn't get busy organizing a Gene Weingarten Day and taking advantage of the article, they just might miss out.
I hear Austin residents are already talking about erecting a statue in his honor.
Barry Smith is managing editor of the Nevada Appeal.
