I recently spent a week in Colorado getting my father out of a nursing home. He was one of the lucky ones in that most of the people in there are not coming out. In fact, the administrators at the nursing home were not inclined to release my father as long as Medicare was footing the bill. He had one more week of Medicare benefits available, and they intended to keep him there until the benefits ran out and then I imagine he would have been miraculously healed.
The whole experience was an epiphany of sorts. From listening to the woman wailing, "I want to go home. Will you come home with me," to looking into the vacant eyes of many of the patients, I had to wonder what kind of life is this?
I noticed that there were very few visitors coming to the nursing home. I am sure that for many family members, it is painful to see their loved ones in this condition. For others, a visit seems futile since the patient's memory is such that they cannot remember the visit in any case.
All of us who live long enough will have to face this challenge. How to grow old gracefully? How to grow old without being a burden to our children? How to grow old in such a way that someone still wants to visit us? I suspect that to do this successfully will take some planning. After my week at the nursing home, I believe that there are certain steps that we can take now to avoid the pitfalls of old age.
1. Personal habits. It is hard to visit someone who scratches their butt, coughs on everyone's food and blows their nose at the dinner table and chews with their mouth open, losing scraps of food periodically. Maybe if we develop good manners when we are young, they will carry over to when our faculties are not quite so sharp.
2. Bodily functions: As we age, there is a tendency to become engrossed with our bodily functions. While we may find them fascinating, a younger person will not, and that is who will be visiting us if we are lucky. So refrain from sharing the details of your last B.M. or describing the consistency of your sputum. No one wants to hear it except your doctor.
3. Younger friends: If you live to be very old, it is likely that most of your contemporaries will pass on before you do, so if you want visitors, start now by cultivating younger friends. Make friends with your children's friends. Make friends with your children.
4. Interests: It is essential that we develop interests, the more the better. Spectator sports, current affairs, music, art, anything that you have a passion for will be the basis for conversation later on.
5. Keep moving: We pay an enormous price for our sedentary lifestyle. In the nursing home, the physical therapists have the job of trying to get the patients to walk. In some cases, it is not easy, as the patient has been sitting for so long that muscles have atrophied, bones have been weakened by osteoporosis, and the cardiovascular system is in shambles. If at all possible, keep moving.
6. Memory: Memory is an enormous issue among the aged. Chunks of memory are given up to Alzheimer's disease or dementia. A recent study from the Stockholm Gerontology Center indicates that people who live alone, with poor social networks, are 60 percent more likely to develop dementia. Avoid social isolation at all costs. Volunteer at your church or charity, join a club, learn to play cards, go to the high school basketball games, travel, entertain, whatever it takes to keep socially active.
Lastly, we teach our children by example so take the best care of your parents that you can. Your children will learn from you and will do likewise when it is their turn.
Linda E. Johnson is a wife, mother, attorney and a 25-year resident of Carson City. This was written with the advice and consent of my 80-year-old mother-in-law, Dorothy Johnson, who has lots of visitors.
