The sobering reality of adjusting back to normal life after spending eight days in the Swiss Alps has been painful. Since returning from Switzerland a week ago, I've awoke each morning yearning to hear the small birds singing outside out of the Eurotel Victoria in the quaint village of Les Diablerets. I wish I could walk out onto the balcony and watch the smoke rise from chimneys atop wooden chalets and just gaze at the gray substance lift toward the sculpted, icy summits of the Alps.
But when my eyes opened this morning, they were staring at the same posters on the same white wall as they had before I left. My feet stepped onto the same brown carpet I vowed to vacuum before I left. My hands turned the same brass door knob and my fingers gripped the same cold, slimy fridge handle.
Instead of eating smoked meats and cheese for breakfast, I'm back to a bowl of Corn Pops in my porcelain white bowl with its navy ring and chipped rim. Instead of five-course meals for dinner, I'm back to swiping my debit card at McDonald's for a No. 2 with no pickles or onions. These things, among others, have become overwhelmingly clear this past week. After visiting Heavenly on Thursday and Squaw Valley on Friday, the ten biggest differences between Swiss ski resorts and Lake Tahoe ski resorts also become clear.
No. 10--Cuisine. Good luck finding a cheeseburger and fries. Europeans love to sit down and enjoy their lunch, not race through it. If you don't have an hour and at least $20 to spare, keep on trucking.
No. 9--Skiers mecca. Since this is my second year snowboarding, it was easy to notice there aren't nearly as many snowboarders in Switzerland. The ratio of skiers to boarders at most Tahoe resorts is around 50/50. In Switzerland, it's more like 75/25.
No. 8--Where are the liftees? Lift line controllers is a designed art in Tahoe. At Les Diablerets, Villars and Leysin, there are no liftees. All lift tickets have a magnetic strip which allow skiers/boarders to slide their tickets across a large plastic platform to gain access. In fact, once inside the resort, you'll have a better chance of landing a front side 720 than seeing more than one employee.
No. 7--No beer guts. It's easy to spot an American in Switzerland because they're usually drinking beer. Wine and booze are the drinks of choice in Switzerland. I never had more than three sips of wine in my entire life before March 14. Over the next eight days, I consumed more than 10 bottles. When in Rome...
No. 6--Danke, Merci, Grazie, Thanks.--French, German and Italian are Switzerland's three national languages, although German and French are the most widespread. In Les Diablerets, French is spoke but in Gstaad, located in the adjacent valley, German rules. There also is a native dialect that is quite rare but, of course, nearly everyone speaks English. A vast majority speak at least three languages, which makes Americans feel insignificant since we can barely speak our own language.
No. 5--Tahoe ain't the Alps. Lake Tahoe is amazing, and so is the Sierra Nevada, but neither can compare to the Alps. Mount Rose, Tallac and Pyramid Peak wouldn't even have names in Switzerland. How can they compete with the Eiger, Matterhorn, and Mount Blanc?
No. 4--School is in session. When you finally think you're good, go to Switzerland. I'll give you five bucks for every snow plow you see. (I won't lose more than $20.) The skill level is infinitely higher there. The slice of humble pie I received was the cheapest thing I got.
No. 3--Snowboarders, beware. There are absolutely two things that need to be banned from the world; Poma bars and T-bars. Skiers can manage but snowboarders should look out. A Poma bar is a cable that dangles from above and has a disc at the bottom. You take the disk, put it between you legs and with your board sliding on the ground, you are forced up the hill. A T-bar is similar to the Poma bar. There are three ways to get up the hill via a T-bar. Hold onto the bar like motorcycle handles (not recommended), wrap it around your hip and rest it on one butt cheek (not bad), or do it the right away, put it between your legs with both sides of the 'T' on the buttocks (very difficult). The bottom line is both of these things are awful. And don't let some Euro tell you different. How about some chair lifts?
No. 2--Don't like the piste, go off piste. Backcountry enthusiasts will love Switzerland. The steep and deep can both be accessed by runs serviced by lifts. (Oh yeah, a run is called a 'piste'.)
No. 1 --Safety second. If you open up a map at a Tahoe resort, a chuckle from somebody will soon follow. (If you get lost at a resort in the United States you probably shouldn't ever leave your house.) But in Switzerland, a map is a necessity because signs are rare. And if you do see one, it's probably too late or pegged to some obscure tree. Also, there are no 'Slow' signs staked into the snow, only avalanche advisory signs. The Swiss, like most Europeans, assume people know what they are doing. There are no waiver notices on lift tickets. The reason is because liability laws are almost non-existent in Europe. In other words, there are no lawsuits.
Jeremy Evans is a sportswriter for the Nevada Appeal.
