I have a confession. I'm a Marxist. Not a Karl Marxist. A Groucho Marxist.
It started in college, where I studied under Quincy Adams Wagstaff and received cultural instruction from Otis B. Driftwood.
These days my attorney is J. Cheever Loophole. My physician, of course, is the noted large animal veterinarian Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush.
I do my best to conceal these leanings. These days, I only smoke cigars in private and recently shaved my mustache. But now and then, my Marxist tendencies resurface, and I get an uncontrollable urge to make a rubber chicken drop from the ceiling and arch my oversized eyebrows.
I get this way every time I try to make sense of Nevada's political comedy. It's "A Night at the Opera" and "A Day at the Races" and an all-you-can-eat buffet of "Duck Soup," "Animal Crackers," "Cocoanuts," and "Horse Feathers."
Take the long-established process to circulate initiative petitions and place questions on the ballot.
Now crumple it and toss it out the window.
The rules of engagement involving initiative petitions have changed this year. And it's good to know Nevadans are like-minded: They want the minimum wage raised and $833 million in new taxes thrown out. Did I mention they also want their public schools funded at the national average and the education budget passed first during the Legislature?
Budget, what budget?
You just threw out the budget by rolling back the taxes.
At least you'll be making a higher minimum wage. It will help you pay for some extravagances that government provided before that tax rollback. Like prisons and roads.
Hello, Groucho? Send reinforcements.
Nevada must be the only place where the state's largest taxpayer association is against a proposed tax cut.
Is that a rubber chicken descending from the heavens?
Hey, at least many thousands of you are for legalizing possession of 1 ounce of marijuana for adult use. Now I know why.
Stoned is the only way to make sense of the political landscape, where some laws suddenly no longer apply.
Federal Judge James Mahan has ruled obsolete Nevada's quaint law mandating the collection of signatures from 10 percent of voters from 13 of 17 counties.
Thirteen of 17 counties?
Out of there.
Remember to sign the petition affidavits?
Out of there.
Get too many signatures disqualified by the registrar of voters?
Call J. Cheever Loophole and threaten a lawsuit.
Just not a frivolous lawsuit.
Why? Because frivolous lawsuits will be against the law if yet another petition makes the ballot and is successful.
Nevada voters have had their intellects questioned recently, but I believe it's not a lack of brainpower that makes us sign those petitions.
If you've ever tried to herd screaming kids into a grocery store while some stranger asks you to sign a piece of paper, you're likely to put your name to anything, including secession from the Union.
It's even easier to gather signatures from the lost souls stuck in line at the Department of Motor Vehicles. Stand around the DMV for a few hours and you're ready to sign up for a revolution and volunteer to sharpen the guillotines.
Those petitions are popular in part because voters have little trust in their elected officials. And they say voters aren't smart.
Speaking of little trust, word is eight of 10 state Supreme Court candidates have signed a pledge to campaign with honesty, fairness, and respect for their opponents.
Meaning: Either there are two venal political animals, or eight candidates have already perjured themselves.
Then we come to my favorite political punch line, the race for Senate District 1, featuring sparring spouses Ray and Sharon Shaffer. Incumbent Ray, the longtime Democrat, is now a registered Republican. Sharon remains a Democrat.
I want to write the headline on general election night.
Should Ray prevail, the headline will read, "Shaffer beats his wife."
Now if there's a Truman-Dewey finish and the press is forced to make a correction: "Shaffer no longer beats his wife."
Ah, Nevada politics.
It's the funniest thing I ever heard.
John L. Smith's column, reprinted from the Las Vegas Review-Journal, will now appear regularly on Thursdays on the Opinion page. E-mail him at smith@reviewjournal.com or call (702) 383-0295.
