I have a Valentine's Day love story for you today. It's about mothers who love themselves more than anything else in the world. I should explain: Ever since my beautiful daughter Maria and her husband, Rich, presented me with precious twin grandsons (my little buddies Duncan and Vincent) last July, I've been paying particular attention to parenting issues. That's why I read with interest a recent USA Today article headlined "Mommy Hottest." Obviously, this is a serious issue that requires further study and analysis.
In her trendy article, intrepid USA Today investigative reporter Olivia Barker invents the "Desperate Housewives" Syndrome by introducing us to 41-year-old housewife Irene Slatest of Long Beach. NY., who is "all about low-cut tops, three-inch heels and tight clothes." But as she fixed breakfast one morning, her 7-year-old daughter, Victoria, "noticed something amiss."
"Hair, makeup and form-fitting outfit intact and impeccable," Ms. Barker wrote, "Slatest nonetheless stood at the stove in ... fuzzy slippers! 'Mom, you look like a housewife,' exclaimed young Victoria. "I was like, 'Oh my God, we can't have this,' Slatest says. So she finished making eggs in heels."
And no, as Dave Barry might say, I'm not making this up.
"Mom has come a long way, baby," Ms. Barker declares. "Of course she's far beyond the ironed and buttoned-up June Cleaver archetype. But increasingly, she's also moving past the soccer mom look of the '80s and '90s. She pays attention to trends, assiduously avoiding anything pleated, tapered or high-waisted ... (and) she indulges in a nip here and a tuck there" and "stays fit, even buff."
In my opinion, however, these "hot" housewives are beyond desperate in their pathetic attempts to look younger than their teenaged daughters.
Ms. Barker goes on to inform us that "competitive mommyhood is all the rage." By this, she means that young mothers are doing everything possible to avoid looking like housewives. She cites 40-year-old actress Teri Hatcher of "Desperate Housewives" as the role model for these "hot moms," and describes the delectable Ms. Hatcher as "a single mom who coyly poses for Harper's Bazaar in a dress that dips below the waist" and for men's magazines in revealing lingerie.
While I don't have anything against desperate housewives who run around in their underwear, I seriously question whether this is the look that most young mothers are striving for. So I checked with my daughter (who's been known to wear fuzzy slippers) to see if she was spending a lot of time trying to look more like Ms. Hatcher, rather than reading to my 7-month-old grandsons.
"Oh Daddy," she replied, "they're just trying to sell stuff." And so they are, starting with sexy underwear, plastic surgery and Pilates classes.
Ms. Barker proved Maria's point by interviewing Chicago plastic surgeon Laurie Casas, who performs about 70 percent of her surgical procedures - a quarter of which were breast augmentations - on mothers with children under the age of 18. Dr. Casas is pleased (as well she should be) that "moms no longer wince at the thought of spending thousands of dollars on themselves. I haven't seen the guilt, I see the 'I deserve this,'" she adds. In other words, Me first! And to hell with the children.
"There's a lot of competitive mommyhood right now," says author Jane Buckingham, a mother of two who splits her time between Beverly Hills and Manhattan (like most modern moms). "We're all trying to look the best we can, even if we have spit-up on our shoulder," Ms. Buckingham told USA Today. And what's more, she confesses "that on days when her cute clothes linger in the laundry and her not-yet-showered hair is in a ponytail, she's 'too embarrassed' to walk inside her son's preschool to drop him off. So she lets him out in the alley," a weird scenario that conjures up images of furtive moms sneaking around in alleys behind their children's schools.
And let's not overlook 44-year-old Linda Elton, of aptly-named Babylon, N.Y., who has a personal trainer (like most of us) and who drives her twins around town in a champagne-colored Lincoln Navigator. When questioned about her expensive transportation, she responded: "You're talking to somebody who had three Corvettes and an Audi, and now you want to put me in a minivan?"
Perish the thought! Meanwhile, my daughter hauls her twins around Seattle in a 1990 Volvo.
Well, as you can see, these ladies are deeply in love with themselves. Although not one of them talks about being a better mom, they constantly worry about their appearance and their clothes. Like 33-year-old Michelle Card, "who strode through Tampa International Airport recently wearing a deep tan and an even deeper V-neck shirt. With her long blonde hair, French pedicure and low-slung jeans," her 10-year-old son thinks she "looks more like a teenager."
And no, I'm still not making this up. Of course I'll let you know if I spot any of these hot moms in Carson City. As a new grandpa and conscientious journalist, it's my solemn duty. Happy Valentine's Day!
n Guy W. Farmer, of Carson City, is a first-time grandpa who's proud of his daughter and other young mothers who love their babies more than themselves. You go, girls!
