LAS VEGAS - The horror was just beginning for Eleanor Dachtler when she received word her only son, Lance Cpl. Nicholas H. Anderson, had been killed during an insurgent attack in Iraq.
Less than 24 hours later, distraught by her ex-husband's plan to bury their son in another state, Dachtler found herself pleading with military officials to bring Anderson's body home to Las Vegas.
But after learning that a little-known military policy favors the older parent in such disputes and that the military had not required her son to have a will before deploying, Dachtler watched helplessly as her son was laid to rest some 266 miles away in Ventura, Calif.
"I couldn't believe that this was happening," Dachtler said recently, as she sat in her Las Vegas home filled with photographs of her 19-year-old son. "I can't go see him every week, talk to him. I want to go visit his grave and take him flowers."
Officials who deal with casualties say disagreements over a soldier's burial are not uncommon, particularly if there has been a divorce.
"I'm sure if you did some digging, you would find other instances of the situation we had with Lance Cpl. Anderson," said Marine Corps Capt. William Ghilarducci, who assisted Dachtler after her son's death. "That's why this policy is in place."
Military officials said most disputes are resolved among family members. But experts acknowledge the possibility exists for more such conflicts as soldiers deploy and increasingly leave behind complicated family situations - divorces, remarriages and stepfamilies.
"There is no question that these sorts of issues will become more common as divorces grow more numerous," said Loren Thompson, a military analyst with the Lexington Institute, a defense think tank in Alexandria, Va.
When Dachtler was first told her son had been killed Nov. 12, she assumed his body was being sent to Las Vegas, where Anderson had spent most of his childhood and had recently graduated from high school.
But Marine Corps officials told Dachtler, 47, that his body was being sent to his father in Southern California, where Anderson had spent summers and holidays.
The Marine Corps determined Dachtler's ex-husband, Albert Anderson, 58, was the primary next of kin authorized to handle the disposition of remains. The law says that without a spouse or child, the responsibility falls to the oldest surviving parent unless sole custody was granted.
"It's a bad situation, and no one was happy with it," said Bryan Driver, spokesman for the Marine Corps Casualty Assistance Branch in Quantico, Va. "The rules are what they are. We had to follow them."
Dachtler was outraged.
"You can't determine something like this by age," she said. "You have to look at where they lived, where they spent their time. This was Nick's home."
For Dachtler, a casino cocktail waitress who had primary custody of Anderson growing up, the decision was like losing her son twice. The pain was so unbearable that she left her son's funeral before he was interred.
"I refused to watch him being lowered into the ground," Dachtler said. "Because that's not where he was supposed to be."
When reached by telephone, Albert Anderson said he did not want to discuss the case out of respect for his son and the pain he felt over his death.
"The policy that the Department of Defense has is very clear," he said.
The situation might have been avoided if Lance Cpl. Anderson had filled out a will or designated power of attorney. But the Marine Corps, along with the Army, Navy and Air Force, do not require it before deployment.
"As far as actually having a will, no, that is not required," Driver said. "But it is highly encouraged."
Each branch advises soldiers to complete the paperwork.
"However, it is up to airmen to decide what is best for their particular situation," said Jennifer Stephens, an Air Force spokeswoman.
"Obviously it's in the best interests of the sailor and his family to do so, but we can't order them to," said Navy Lt. Kyle Raines. "It's one less thing for you to worry about so you can focus on the mission at hand."
Defense Department spokesman Jim Turner said the military cannot require a soldier to have a will, which is "a personal, private legal matter."
"Since it serves no military purpose, a military superior cannot order a subordinate to have a will or make a will," Turner said from Washington.
Even though a soldier provides next-of-kin contact information, absent a specific designation, the military law is used to determine who will be responsible for funeral arrangements.
