The Popcorn Stand: It’s the Great American Smokeout, so I’ll stop eating cheeseburgers

Today is the Great American Smokeout. I’ve never smoked anything in my life. Cigarette, cigar, pipe, e-cigarette, whatever, nothing. The fact smoking is bad for my health has nothing to do with why I don’t do it.

If the Surgeon General for whatever reason stated cigarette smoking is good for your health, I still wouldn’t do it. I don’t like to eat spinach or brussels sprouts and those things are good for me.

I do a lot of bad things for my health. I eat cheeseburgers. I read somewhere once eating a cheeseburger is the equivalent of smoking two cigarettes.

I never understood the concept of sticking something in your mouth and setting it on fire. Bob Newhart’s stand-up routine on how tobacco was introduced to civilization is hilarious.

Of all the forms of smoking I don’t understand, pipe smoking is one I understand the least. Who came up with this idea? Who said, I’m going to come up with the most frustrating, difficult way to smoke tobacco?

Can you imagine the person who invented the pipe trying to explain it to his friend? Yeah, I came up with this idea to turn a small stick into a device in which you smoke tobacco. And then at the end, I place the tiniest hole to place the tobacco.

You must place the tobacco in this hole just right, so you’re probably going to lose half your tobacco just trying to do this. And it’s probably going to take several tries.

Then when you light the tobacco, that’s going to be extremely frustrating and that’s going to take several tries as well. And once you’re successful and puff, say one or two times, you’re going to have to light up again.

Anyway, I’m not going to lecture anyone about smoking. I’ll just say today in honor of the Great American Smokeout, I’m not going to eat a cheeseburger.

— Charles Whisnand