Understanding women or not

Fellas, have you ever felt so confused and frustrated by a woman that you thought your head might explode? Have you ever felt like punching a wall or throwing your coffee table across the living room to release the rage that can only come from hearing how the evil Beth from work is trying to make your wife/girlfriend/sister/roommate look bad and nobody cares…again and again?

Have you seriously considered jumping from a moving vehicle to escape yet another explanation of your inadequacies at providing emotional support? If you answered yes to any of the questions above, that simply means you’re a man and you don’t live in a monastery.

Don’t worry that you don’t understand women and never trust anyone who claims they do. You see, most women don’t understand themselves, and they certainly don’t understand or trust each other. Like men, they have no idea why they say or do the crazy stuff they do… but unlike men they think they do.

Let me take a quick moment to update your scorecard; men don’t understand women, and they know they don’t, women don’t understand men, but they think they do, men don’t understand themselves and we really don’t care to and women don’t understand themselves but they desperately want to. Got that? I know it’s confusing but try to keep up and please hold your comments and questions to the end.

I’m not pretending to understand the behavior of the female of our species or how to successfully communicate with them. I’ve screwed up every relationship I’ve ever been in with a woman that required anything beyond casual conversation. I can be charming as hell as right up to the point where they want me to express or “share” emotions. That’s the point where the wheels come off for me.

More than one intelligent mature woman has looked me in the eye and insisted that I need to be honest about who I am and to accept myself as I am…blah blah blah. I have trouble being lectured about honesty and accepting myself as I am from someone wearing high heels, hair extensions, make up, a padded bra and spanks.

For the uninitiated spanks are horrible torturous undergarments designed to cram an average woman’s body into an impossibly tight fitting and deceptive pair of underwear to give a “slimming effect.” The actual effect is that the poor woman wearing it can’t move, breath or eat normally and the unfortunate sap she is with gets to endure her bad attitude because she’s miserable then gets lectured on being emotionally honest.

As an older guy who has consistently failed in every attempt to happily cohabitate with women, I offer my observations in hopes that some of you younger guys can learn from my experiences. While I believe that it’s impossible to truly understand women I also believe that you really don’t need to. It’s not important to understand why a woman acts the way she does, but it’s critical that you understand that a woman will act the way she does. You don’t need to know why a rattlesnake will bite you, you just need to know that it will bite you….same principle.

You know how sometimes you just want to drink a beer, stare mindlessly at he TV and then fall asleep early after a little slap and tickle? Women never want to do that…in fact women have an insatiable desire to understand why you want to do that. They want to discuss what in your relationship with them makes you think that would ever be OK. They need to understand why you don’t want to talk about it and they won’t stop talking until you’re able to look them in the eye and say something that shows you care.

Look her in the eye and say, “I’m sorry Babe, I knew you were upset about that crap Beth pulled at work and I felt like you needed some space and them some intimate support.” It should go without saying, but avoid cuddling whenever possible because it’s critical not to yawn until after you’ve rolled over, yawning could ruin everything.

Like I said, it’s not important to understand what she needs as much as it is to just give her what she needs. Of course, taking advice from me about women is like taking weight loss advise from Chris Christy; it might be fun to try but it probably isn’t going to work.

Rick Seley is an award-winning humor columnist. He may be reached at news@lahontanvalleynews.com.