The Popcorn Stand: ESPN could have a snail’s chance

The old fuddy duddy tries to keep up with whatever’s hip or trendy or whatever you want to call it, but I’m afraid I’m already about three weeks behind the times.

I mean this trend was so early July or so but I guess the Millennials are still doing it. And yes, I’m taking a shot at the Millennials. As the old fuddy duddys like me say, “these kids today, whadda ya gonna do?“

It seems the rapper/hip hop guy Drake (I’m not sure what to call him) came out with a song called “In My Feelings.” I know who Drake is but have never listened to his music and never will so I’ve never heard the song “In My Feelings.”

But apparently the song has led to a trend of Dancing in the Street. And I don’t mean the Martha and the Vandellas Dancing in the Street, I mean pulling over to the side of the road and dancing while busy traffic whizzes by Dancing in the Street.

Of course I’ve written before we Baby Boomers/Baby Busters/Generation Xers are responsible for the worst video of all-time, Mick Jagger’s and David Bowie’s remake of Dancing in the Street. As Peter in Family Guy said, “That happened and we let it happen.”

But these Millennials jumping out of cars (yes they jump out of cars) to dance or dancing on the side of a busy road with all kinds of traffic — this old fuddy duddy just doesn’t get. Evidently it’s some kind of challenge.

I think my father’s generation had it right. Whatever happened to cramming as many people as possible in a phone booth or a volkswagen or whatever happened to gold fish?

Or from my generation whatever happened to hacky sack? Or even from this generation whatever happened to planking, which I thought was stupid at the time. I guess planking is so 2015 or so.

Anyway when it comes to Dancing in the Street, I’ll stick with Martha and the Vandellas.

Those of you who choose to read this Popcorn Stand know my disdain for ESPN, so you know I couldn’t resist using this story to take another shot at the network.

Right up there with poker, hot dog eating and the national cornhole championships, this next event is right up ESPN’s alley. ESPN could have the exclusive rights to the world snail racing championship.

I know “The Ocho,” ESPN8 doesn’t actually exist, but right up there with dodgeball, snail racing surely could be featured on one of ESPN’s networks, even if it’s the web network ESPN3, the “Trifecta.”

More than 150 snails took part in the annual on Saturday. I’m sure ESPN could find a couple of announcers to break down the strengths of each snail and I’m really only half-joking after watching ESPN’s coverage of the “athletes” in the hot dog eating contest and cornhole championships.

Yes, sometimes I can’t bring myself to stop watching ESPN for all of say 3 to 4 minutes. It’s like watching a train wreck.

The snails race 13 inches and yes it’s serious business. “We take this seriously,” snail racer John McClean told Reuters.

“We have got training slopes. We look at diet, we are drug compliant as well. It is the whole thing when you look at elite sports.”

You see. snail racing. Another elite sport for ESPN.

Although I don’t know if I could bring myself to watching snail racing on ESPN. You see, I don’t think my disdain for ESPN could be contained to a snail’s pace.

— Charles Whisnand