Melissa Elges
Why doesn’t she just leave? This is a question I’ve often heard concerning victims of domestic violence. While the situation may seem straightforward to some, the reality is far more complex. The cycle of domestic violence is entangled with psychological, socioeconomic, and family barriers that are not easily seen from the outside.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month, and it’s important to shed light on these complexities. As a survivor of domestic violence from a prior relationship I am now married to a law enforcement officer, this has given me the opportunity to engage in meaningful conversations that reveal the multifaceted nature of this issue and explore ways to enhance awareness from both perspectives.
From a law enforcement standpoint, repeatedly responding to calls from the same address can be disheartening. Although there may be signs of abuse, they are not always visible, and each response represents only a snapshot of a much larger, ongoing struggle.
For victims, trusting law enforcement can be extremely challenging. They often worry about what will happen once the officer leaves. Many have been told by their abuser that law enforcement won’t help them, leading to deep-seated mistrust. The cycle of violence typically includes mental abuse that distorts the victim’s perception of reality. Victims may want to seek help but are afraid of the consequences, including potentially sending their abuser—who is also their children’s parent—to jail. They may also face financial dependency, lack of support, and intense fear.
Understanding that the situation for victims is a continuous struggle, rather than a single incident, is crucial for providing meaningful support. It is important to remember that, whether you are a law enforcement officer, family member, friend, or coworker, persistence and compassion are key. Victims may not leave after the first or second encounter, and it might take many interactions before they are ready to make a change. Research shows that approximately 60-70 percent of women may return to an abusive partner at least once after leaving.
Factors such as emotional attachment, financial dependency, fear of retaliation, and lack of support contribute to this cycle. Effective support systems and interventions are essential to help victims break free and build safer, more supportive environments.
Family Support Council in Douglas County provides a supportive environment for victims through its domestic violence shelter and other services and has been actively doing so for more than 42 years. As a nonprofit organization, FSC is dedicated to offering crucial support and advocacy to victims of domestic violence. During the past year, the organization has become more proactive about discussing domestic violence in our community, shedding light on local statistics and the impacts it has had on our community. The organization hosted its first annual RISE event, in November of 2023 dedicated to unmasking domestic violence and fostering a shared conversation with victims, family members, and local law enforcement. More information on FSC can be found at https://www.family-support.org/
It truly takes a village to support someone who has experienced domestic violence. My only request is that you set aside any preconceived notions, remain persistent, and be the encouragement that could save a life.
Melissa Elges is chief of staff for Douglas County and a member of the Family Support Council board of directors
